Contemplation

 

I find myself thinking a lot recently, looking inwards, retreating a little.  Perhaps it is the January urge to hibernate, to be tucked away in a little nook until spring comes calling.  My lack of energy is a bit seasonal and mostly health, the tiredness is part of this problem I’ve been fighting for what seems like a long time.  It’s tempting to ‘give in’, to slip into sleep and put the world on pause.  But.

That isn’t how it works is it?  I watched this video a couple of days ago and find myself coming back to it, wondering, what would it be to live a life of quiet contemplation?  Right now the idea of a silent nook, the indulgence of my own thoughts uninterrupted, is pleasing to me.  But.  How long would that last?  How long before I longed for the busy life I lead now, for the multitude of possibilities my life holds.   I’d miss the energy of my boys, the fluffy faces of dogs wanting a cuddle, the unexpected stories and thoughts that come at me at any given moment. But.

How pleasing to sit in solitude a little, the fire my company, the scene outside all I need to think about.  Time to wonder, worry, plan and ruminate.  Time to craft, create, grow and evolve my own self a little.  Breathing space.  But.

I’d probably just use the time to worry.  Worry about blood test results, about farming future plans about what to eat and what not to eat, what to do and what not to do.  I think the silence would become lonely pretty quickly.  But.

But.  I enjoy what I can get, this moment by the fire with the boys upstairs waiting not so patiently for quiet time to be up.  The thought of a visit to another farm on the weekend a pleasant buzz of excitement.  Plans with friends this week making me smile, knowing I get to spend time with great women who’s company lifts me up.  Knowing that tonight, when the boys go to bed, I will shower in a hot shower, pull on pj’s and tuck myself into my now serene bedroom and listen to the silence of the house.  Enjoying the peace of a day well lived, rest earned, the fact that it is short lived only reminding me to enjoy it while I can.  Soak it up ready for another day because it will bring highs and lows, joys and frustrations, mess and creativity.

It may not be serene or everyone’s idea of perfect but it is mine.  No buts.