The breath in and the breath out

It seems like a long time ago that I had the space to breathe.  The whirlwind of our lives has been constant for weeks and months, always another step to get through, another list of chores.  I haven’t felt that I could focus and really be now.  I’ve been trying to jump ahead of myself, with more to do than hours and energy allow.  In fact I’ve been feeling like I’ve been holding my breath for quite some time.

But suddenly I find myself on a plateau.  I am able to look around me and survey the scenery, to get a sense of what my life looks like from a little distance.  More than that I can see the horizon, instead of being permanently stuck in the moment, overwhelmed by a never ending to do list, I can see what will come next.  Both mentally and physically there has been a shift.

There have been a few times in my life where I have had a strong physical sensation that accompanied an internal shift, my body reacting to something powerful within.  When I first held Huwyl in my arms (after being parted from him immediately after birth due to his prematurity) I felt the world shift, as if someone had shoved my chair.  My centre of gravity changed, moving me into orbit around this tiny being.

And again now I am feeling another shift, as if I have walked along a see saw and reached the tipping point.  All these years of hoping, planning, working, moving, dreaming…now I can feel the momentum beginning to build.  We have found our land, our anchor.  This place that will mean so much over the coming years.  This place where we will build our home, our life, our family.  Where we will play and dream and work and plan and live.  This and more.

My days are busy, I am sometimes overwhelmed, I am sometimes lost.  But I feel now that I am beginning to move to the place I am meant to be.  When I think of the tree line that borders the forest at the bottom of a large pasture, when I remember the trees that run along the edge of the field we will call our home farm, even when I contemplate the weeds that grow to shoulder height and the uncertain footing that has me warning the boys ‘be careful’ and ‘stay with me’, I find myself within a moment of simple joy.  Of serenity.

It is that feeling that tells me we are where we are meant to be.  That the gods have lead us to this place, that we will turn this dream into a reality.  There is work ahead, so much work, but of the right kind.  The kind that yields something real, something that will last.  After all these years of travel, so many different countries, languages, lives.  I will finally be able to say these words and know it is true, now and for many years to come.

I am home.

We’re not quite there, but we will be.  Someday soon I will sit on my step and look at the tree line, I will regard the twilight without rush and watch the stars begin their ascent across the night sky.  I will breathe in and I will breathe out.