Station Identification

I’ve decided to take a short break.  A break from what, you ask?  Well from myself mainly.  From trying too hard, from searching for the secret formula, from trying to get it right and being frankly grumpy when that impossible feat never happens.

From cooking complicated dinners that no one wants, from saying “No” all the time.  From doing the right thing for the wrong reasons.  From being thoroughly crosspatch really.

From thinking mean things about other people because I’m worried that I’m not good enough.  From being really cross with my children for being, well, children.  From pretending that I am tough and unstoppable when I am really, really tired.

And some things that I want to say “Yes” too?  Yes to a Charlie and Lola marathon because, really he deserves to get what he wants just once in a while.  Yes to quiet naps and no guilt.  Yes to icepops for breakfast and fruit plates for dinner.  Yes to mess all day (because they deserve to be free of my constant nagging) and a super burst of clean up at the end of the day (because he deserves to relax at the end of a loooooong day).  Yes to smiling at my beloved at the end of the day and not expecting him to solve everything.  Yes to fun and play dates with people who make me happy.  Yes to cakes and birthday parties, presents and fun.  Wading pools and swimming lessons, dirty children and early bedtimes.

Yes to smiling, yes to looking forward to holidays.  Yes to the yummiest fizzy pop ever and cookies after lunch.  Yes to washing on the line but no to worrying about when, what, how.  Yes to sticking to my guns and no to feeling angry with other people for no reason I can think of.  Yes to doing things for the fun of it, for the joy of it, not to beat out someone else, because I never feel like I’ve won.

Yes to letting some things go and picking other things up.  Yes to making a nice home for my family and no to wondering if it matches up to some fictitious standard of worthiness I’ve made up in my head.  Yes to listening to the moment, or at least trying really, really hard.  No the voice in my head that just isn’t helping.  No to doing things because I want other people to see me in a certain way.

Yes to the love in his eyes and thinking I’m worthy of it.  Yes to patience.  Yes to forgiveness.  Yes to new beginnings.  Yes to laughing.  Yes to lazy summer days.  Yes to sitting on the step and dipping in the pool.  Yes to being proud of my life.  Yes to happiness and hugs and endless kisses and sand and stickiness and chocolate biscuits and good memories and clammy skin and sleeping in the daytime and piles of stories and good smells and long drives.

Remembering the mantra ” There is plenty of time.”  Note to self, stop clinging and panicking.  Let go, everything you need is right here.

See you all on the other side.

8 thoughts on “Station Identification

  1. Emma,

    This is one of my favourite posts by you because I can so relate. Thank you for the courage to write it, for recognizing where you feel you are heading in the wrong direction and listening to the voice that feels right instead. It is really hard to just be content with what is, without worry, panick and the need to control things so they turn out just the way we want them too. Letting go is an act of faith that takes courage and I applaud you for giving it a try. I’m right there with you, and if you feel you need support, just reach out and we’ll hold each other’s hand.

    • Having you in my life is one of the things that helps me move forward Em. Watching you, witnessing your bravery and strength has inspired me to think that I can do it too. You are wise and wonderful and I’m glad to have you in my life xxx

    • Thanks Julia, I agree. A blog should be a real reflection of a life, that is tough to remember. As always your words are a comfort and inspiration x

    • Thanks Hannah, it’s nice to know I’m not alone in feeling this way! I’m definitely reminding myself of what I need to do each day and I”m surprised by how often I am about to say ‘no’ without even thinking about it. I’m trying to give a yes much more often!

  2. I can so relate, Emma my dearest. You are a brave woman for admitting to what is. You are far more wonderful than you will ever know…and many of us (myself included) admire you on a regular basis. So see, you have fans and don’t even know it. We females are trained from birth I think to be hard on ourselves. You don’t have to try to be a super woman – you already are.

    xo K

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