Like all Mums I spend a lot of time thinking about my little ones, how to provide them with what they need now, thinking of what they’ll need next, trying to find space for us all in each day. I think because I am constantly thinking about who they are going to be I am wondering more and more who do I want to be?
Unfortunately I often find myself discouraged as I witness the lives of the amazing women I ‘meet’ on the internet. There is so much talent out there, wonderful photographers, amazing crafters, beautiful and inspiring writers, people who are living their life with passion and vision. I don’t see myself as one of those people, I am the person that reads the amazing blog not the one who writes it. My attempts seem small in comparison.
I am constantly in awe of other women that I see online and in real life. I am amazed by the lives they are creating for their children but also the way in which they are fulfilling their own passions. So, the question begs, why am I not doing this? I think the answer is the same one I’ve had all my life, I love so many things. I am drawn to so many things. I want to do it all.
Of course that is perfectly reasonable. I mean I have two children under 5, my family lives on another continent, my beloved works a 70+ hour week and I have a house, a dog and a cat to take care of. Not to mention working a few hours a week outside the home, maintaining relationships with the friends I am so lucky to have, cooking, cleaning, shopping, getting plenty of exercise, readying ourselves for homeschooling, keeping in touch with family….I mean under those circumstances of course I have all the time in the world to sharpen my photography skills don’t I? I mean what is it I really do all day? Sometimes I’m really not sure!
Ok, so I struggle to fit in all I would like to do, I struggle to narrow my focus enough to really become excellent at something. I suppose I am something of a Mummy of all trades. And is that such a bad thing? I hope not, I hope I am simply someone who is interested in lots of things rather than not brilliant at any one of them. And what’s with the comparing? How useful is that? I’ve always done it but I frustrate myself as I always see myself as less that those I compare myself to. Maybe it’s a woman thing. I fear it is a me thing.
I’m putting this restless spirit inside me down to the early dawning of spring and the approaching equinox. I always visualise the energy of the equinox as a mini tornado. Yes it clears out the old and blows away the cobwebs to await new growth but it can leave one feeling a little frazzled as it passes by.
Perhaps that is why I am feeling dissatisfied with myself, frustrated with my inability to manifest a dream when I am really not sure what my dream is. I will be spending a few moments over the next couple of weeks thinking about what I want to let go of this equinox and what I am ready to embrace. What new growth am I looking to welcome? What do I want to nurture and protect for this new season?
For today I’ve set myself the challenge of a list of 5 words that sum up what I am looking to welcome, here they are:
What are your 5 words?
10 thoughts on “What do I want to be when I grow up?”
Oh behave. This is an official public slap.
You are a fab photographer (and have been for as long as I’ve known you), a great mum, a passable cook (lol), craft words like a pro and actually think about things instead of just sitting like a slug and occasionally uttering, “huh, what?” as life passes you by.
All you lack is time and focus and a quiet house. All those other inspirational people whose blog you read are getting help. I’ll bet they have cleaners. And family helping as needed. And probably low-wage imported nannies. My point is you don’t know their circumstances, just as they don’t know yours. Comparison is futile and inevitably leads to disappointment. Don’t try to be the same. Be yourself.
Duly noted, as ever you are right! Need to shake it off and start again – reboot. Note to self – don’t write self pitying blogs at the end of a busy day with a teething toddler! Love you for keeping me on the straight and narrow ; ) Well maybe the slightly bendy…
Oh and my 5 words.
Let’s do your 5 words together!
Last week, while sitting dutifully in silence (imposed of course!) at a lovely spa, I flipped through an obscure magazine …the first page had the most lovely photo and quote…it reminded me of my Emilie. I wanted to rip it out and stuff it in my wet bathing suit, er, uh, well, then I thought about it and decided against. lol!
After reading your post today (have felt this uncertain restlessness many times…there is proof in my past posts!!!), I have hunted down this lovely photo and quote and am sending you the link with a big hug. ‘O’ (that’s for a big hug)
Now, please check this out (forward to page three) and give yourself a hug too!
Click to access RAW_Winter2010.pdf
Julia I love this! I think I am going to print it off and put it on my bedroom mirror, it is so perfect! You are a star, thanks for the nudge in the right direction : )
i am having similar thoughts – i need the reminder to consciously invite spring and new ideas, and let’s see… five words:
so it’s ten, but the one word needed a partner, it wasn’t evocative enough! ❤
Wonderful list! I love the pairings you chose, all seem perfect for each other. I think I need to take some peaceful breath, smile, love and sweep away what I don’t need leaving a more simple vision for me to begin again with. Maybe then I’ll find our rhythm and my thoughts will flow. Looking forward to chasing the sunlight again tomorrow. Thanks Kendra for your words and a great reminder : )
Bean, there is no harm in a little self indulgence. You have a very tough partner! who does have the utmost faith in you which, i hope, will inspire and put your mind at rest that you are doing enough.
Life is tough at the moment. You would not be human if you didnt have these ‘moments’.
I think it is definitely time to declutter and focus. The luxury of time is not on your side but, you will have more once you are clutter free.
My words for the new season:
Perfect bean, just like you : )