Like all Mums I spend a lot of time thinking about my little ones, how to provide them with what they need now, thinking of what they’ll need next, trying to find space for us all in each day. I think because I am constantly thinking about who they are going to be I am wondering more and more who do I want to be?
Unfortunately I often find myself discouraged as I witness the lives of the amazing women I ‘meet’ on the internet. There is so much talent out there, wonderful photographers, amazing crafters, beautiful and inspiring writers, people who are living their life with passion and vision. I don’t see myself as one of those people, I am the person that reads the amazing blog not the one who writes it. My attempts seem small in comparison.
I am constantly in awe of other women that I see online and in real life. I am amazed by the lives they are creating for their children but also the way in which they are fulfilling their own passions. So, the question begs, why am I not doing this? I think the answer is the same one I’ve had all my life, I love so many things. I am drawn to so many things. I want to do it all.
Of course that is perfectly reasonable. I mean I have two children under 5, my family lives on another continent, my beloved works a 70+ hour week and I have a house, a dog and a cat to take care of. Not to mention working a few hours a week outside the home, maintaining relationships with the friends I am so lucky to have, cooking, cleaning, shopping, getting plenty of exercise, readying ourselves for homeschooling, keeping in touch with family….I mean under those circumstances of course I have all the time in the world to sharpen my photography skills don’t I? I mean what is it I really do all day? Sometimes I’m really not sure!
Ok, so I struggle to fit in all I would like to do, I struggle to narrow my focus enough to really become excellent at something. I suppose I am something of a Mummy of all trades. And is that such a bad thing? I hope not, I hope I am simply someone who is interested in lots of things rather than not brilliant at any one of them. And what’s with the comparing? How useful is that? I’ve always done it but I frustrate myself as I always see myself as less that those I compare myself to. Maybe it’s a woman thing. I fear it is a me thing.
I’m putting this restless spirit inside me down to the early dawning of spring and the approaching equinox. I always visualise the energy of the equinox as a mini tornado. Yes it clears out the old and blows away the cobwebs to await new growth but it can leave one feeling a little frazzled as it passes by.
Perhaps that is why I am feeling dissatisfied with myself, frustrated with my inability to manifest a dream when I am really not sure what my dream is. I will be spending a few moments over the next couple of weeks thinking about what I want to let go of this equinox and what I am ready to embrace. What new growth am I looking to welcome? What do I want to nurture and protect for this new season?
For today I’ve set myself the challenge of a list of 5 words that sum up what I am looking to welcome, here they are:
What are your 5 words?