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The breath in and the breath out

November 17, 2010

It seems like a long time ago that I had the space to breathe.  The whirlwind of our lives has been constant for weeks and months, always another step to get through, another list of chores.  I haven’t felt that I could focus and really be now.  I’ve been trying to jump ahead of myself, with more to do than hours and energy allow.  In fact I’ve been feeling like I’ve been holding my breath for quite some time.

But suddenly I find myself on a plateau.  I am able to look around me and survey the scenery, to get a sense of what my life looks like from a little distance.  More than that I can see the horizon, instead of being permanently stuck in the moment, overwhelmed by a never ending to do list, I can see what will come next.  Both mentally and physically there has been a shift.

There have been a few times in my life where I have had a strong physical sensation that accompanied an internal shift, my body reacting to something powerful within.  When I first held Huwyl in my arms (after being parted from him immediately after birth due to his prematurity) I felt the world shift, as if someone had shoved my chair.  My centre of gravity changed, moving me into orbit around this tiny being.

And again now I am feeling another shift, as if I have walked along a see saw and reached the tipping point.  All these years of hoping, planning, working, moving, dreaming…now I can feel the momentum beginning to build.  We have found our land, our anchor.  This place that will mean so much over the coming years.  This place where we will build our home, our life, our family.  Where we will play and dream and work and plan and live.  This and more.

My days are busy, I am sometimes overwhelmed, I am sometimes lost.  But I feel now that I am beginning to move to the place I am meant to be.  When I think of the tree line that borders the forest at the bottom of a large pasture, when I remember the trees that run along the edge of the field we will call our home farm, even when I contemplate the weeds that grow to shoulder height and the uncertain footing that has me warning the boys ‘be careful’ and ‘stay with me’, I find myself within a moment of simple joy.  Of serenity.

It is that feeling that tells me we are where we are meant to be.  That the gods have lead us to this place, that we will turn this dream into a reality.  There is work ahead, so much work, but of the right kind.  The kind that yields something real, something that will last.  After all these years of travel, so many different countries, languages, lives.  I will finally be able to say these words and know it is true, now and for many years to come.

I am home.


We’re not quite there, but we will be.  Someday soon I will sit on my step and look at the tree line, I will regard the twilight without rush and watch the stars begin their ascent across the night sky.  I will breathe in and I will breathe out.

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9 Comments leave one →
  1. Karen permalink
    November 18, 2010 3:35 am

    Love it! Beautiful.

  2. movita permalink
    November 19, 2010 6:18 pm

    I’m feeling my breath as I read this post. Perfectly lovely.

    Is your new home far from your current home?

    • emmalina73 permalink
      December 2, 2010 3:48 am

      It’s about half an hour away from where we are living now so it is a move, a shift from what we’ve known for the last 3 years. It is a very rural area with small towns near by but very different from the suburbs we’ve become used to. All around us is farms and forest, very different from houses and malls!

  3. November 20, 2010 4:14 am

    Oh, Yay! I so look forward to travelling this path with you as you tell it and live it!
    Have a lovely weekend!

  4. November 20, 2010 11:02 am

    You sound very content – beautiful post…very inspiring :-) xxx

  5. November 21, 2010 2:35 am

    What a wonderful feeling.. I know just what you mean:)

  6. November 23, 2010 6:23 am

    Just lovely. You made the jump…that leap of faith, which also comes with those obstacles, both inside and out, but you did it! And that is one amazing this to be so proud of! Heck I am proud of you! Just keep that long term goal in your mind…you’ll get there soon for sure.

    :)Lisa

    ps-I wanted to check in with you about the piece together peace project. you left a comment about joining in, but had an issue with the widget. If you have any questions you can email me at:

    earthmama101@yahoo.com

    We would love to have you join in if you are still interested!

  7. emmalina73 permalink
    December 2, 2010 3:46 am

    So many kind and uplifting words! I am so excited to start our journey (and to tell you all about it!) but kind of terrified too, it is like jumping off a cliff. This feels like a whole new phase, actually like we are beginning a new life. I’m curious to see what it will look like. I’ll keep you posted ; )

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